Parents' obsession with raising perfect children may backfire

The parents' instinct that drives them to try to solve their children's problems is human, as they want to remove any obstacles that may stand in their way. But this instinct, which helped humans face dangers that threaten their lives, may not serve them to the same extent today, in light of the safety and comfort that many enjoy.

This is further complicated by the proliferation of parenting experts who offer a torrent of advice on how to address children's challenges, even those that parents had not previously considered problems. Once a behavior or habit is seen as a problem, it becomes difficult to resist the urge to intervene.

Not long ago, an imperfect child was just a child. Today, children have become projects that parents constantly strive to improve, amid increasing pressure to make them perfect.

In her new book, "Actually, You're Fine: A Practical, Compassionate Guide to Empowering Your Child in the Age of Anxiety," clinical neuropsychologist and child development expert Katie S. Davis, in explaining the reasons for this trend, calls for accepting that many children who do not meet standards of perfection are simply fine.

Ofoq News discussed with Davis the increasing diagnosis of children with developmental disorders, the factors behind this, and the potential negative effects of parents’ efforts to constantly improve their children. Ofoq News: You do not oppose diagnosing children with psychological or physical disorders, but rather you warn of the increase in these diagnoses?

My research and clinical practice focuses on neurodevelopmental disorders, their causes, and ways to support children with them, which I believe exist. But I also want to protect the children who actually suffer from it.

When a large number of students are diagnosed with ADHD, it becomes more difficult to give the needs of those affected by it the proper attention, and the resources available to them in terms of time, specialists and funding become less adequate. Ofoq News: How common have these disorders become?

Davis: The numbers of people diagnosed with learning disorders, ADHD, and autism have increased dramatically over the past decades. Part of this is due to positive developments: but the increase seems exaggerated, especially since it largely includes mild and borderline cases.

The concept of disorders has expanded, and the boundaries between normal and abnormal behavior have become less clear, until some undesirable but normal behaviors are classified as disorders. Davis: Diagnosis helps provide school services and facilities, insurance covers treatment costs, and facilitates communication between specialists and parents.

It also gives some people a sense of recognition for their suffering, and helps them connect with others facing similar difficulties. But it is disturbing that we live in a world where we have to turn our problems into medical conditions in order to feel real.

Ofoq News: What harm could the diagnosis cause to the family and society? Davis: I understand the argument of those who say that a diagnosis is not harmful if it provides treatment, but I disagree with them for three reasons: Ofoq News: Some parents seek help not out of a desire to make their children perfect, but because they are concerned about the impact of their behavior on others.

Davis: I would like to remind parents, especially mothers, that they cannot please everyone, and they are often criticized for their parenting methods. We label children who act out as having disorders, and children who try to please others as seeking acceptance.

As for children who behave in an annoying way, it is sometimes better to let them face the consequences of their behavior with teachers and classmates so that they can learn from the experience, rather than trying to control all their behavior. Parents must help them deal with what is happening, without considering it a reflection of their failure in education.

When I was in high school, I was a diligent student who got good grades, while some of my classmates were less diligent and more annoying. Decades later, most of us end up at similar levels in life.

A few achieved exceptional achievements, a few needed constant support, while the majority settled somewhere in between, and this is normal. Ofoq News: What led to this tendency towards considering differences in children as disorders?

Davis: This is partly due to our obsession with the brain and its imaging technologies, and the belief that behavior is determined by biological factors. We also give more importance to exact sciences, and look for scientific proof of things that we can observe ourselves.

Ofoq News: In your book, you point out that looking at these issues as being related to the mind, not the brain, may help us deal with them in greater depth, because the mind cannot be measured. But today we want to measure, evaluate everything and make plans to address it.

Davis: We trust biology, chemistry, physics, and neuroscience, but we don't put the same trust in education, psychology, and sociology, because they seem less precise and clear. This leads to questioning the value of these fields and the legitimacy of approaching problems from their perspective.

Ofoq News: How does the culture of education based on striving for perfection contribute to this phenomenon? Davis: Just because the child is okay is no longer enough; Either he excels or he is considered a failure.

Parents are drawn into the race to enter universities, amid the belief that not enrolling in a prestigious university will deprive their children of a good job and a successful future. The Internet exacerbates these pressures, as it forces everyone to showcase their lives and create ideal images of them, which reinforces a lack of self-confidence.

Moreover, education experts who make financial gains from letting parents know that they do not know how to raise their children provide conflicting advice that increases their confusion and doubts about their abilities.