The effects of silence...a psychological study reveals the “hidden price” of learning to please others since childhood

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Avoiding conflicts may be a useful behavior in some situations, as it sometimes helps to contain problems and prevent their escalation. But some people learn from their childhood that silence and non-objection are the safest path, until expressing an opinion becomes difficult over time.

This conviction often begins in the early years of life. A child who lives in the midst of frequent conflicts may notice that things become calmer when he refrains from complaining or disagreeing. This lesson can also be reinforced at school or among friends, when an “obedient” child is accepted, while someone with a different opinion is ignored or criticized.

As these experiences are repeated, the child learns that keeping up with others brings him calm and avoids problems, thus linking compliance with a feeling of security.

Children do not usually receive direct instructions telling them to keep their opinions secret, but they draw this message from everyday experiences. Every time they avoid conflict, gain acceptance, or avoid tension, they become convinced that silence is safer than self-expression. With time, the person no longer only postpones expressing his true opinion, but he may gradually forget what he really wants, after he has become accustomed to focusing on the expectations of others instead of his personal needs.

Psychologist Ingrid Clayton - according to what was reported by the “Bolds” website for psychological research - explains that “other-pleasing” behavior in children who grow up in unstable environments represents a kind of adaptation to the surrounding circumstances, and not a sign of weakness. The child learns to monitor the mood of others and respond to it in a way that reduces the possibility of exposure to rejection or conflict.

The problem is that this strategy, which was successful in childhood, may continue later, even though the conditions that created it no longer exist.

The importance of difference in building identity

Specialists believe that maturity is not limited to acquiring knowledge, but also includes experiencing and expressing personal preferences. Opinions are not fully formed, but rather mature through discussion, disagreement, and experience.

This is why disagreement with parents or friends during adolescence is a natural part of building identity and developing independence. As for the teenager who avoids all forms of contact, he may lose the opportunity to discover his true voice and express himself.

Flexibility or inability to differ?

There is a clear difference between healthy resilience and the inability to say "no." A flexible person can object but chooses to concede when necessary, while someone who always seeks to please others tends to agree out of fear of consequences or rejection.

As the years pass, this behavior turns into an automatic reaction, and expressing a dissenting opinion becomes a source of anxiety, even in simple situations.

Psychotherapist Anna Elton calls this “the cost of self-silencing,” noting that repressing personal preferences to keep the peace does not strengthen relationships as some believe, but may even weaken them in the long run.

People who devote their efforts to the comfort of others often develop an exceptional ability to understand the needs of those around them, but they find it difficult to answer a simple question: What do they want?

Here lies the paradox; While they know others well, their image of themselves becomes less clear, after years of putting the needs of others before their own.